I grew up with a biological mother who was filled with great anger and bitterness that she frequently and unpredictably poured out on me. The flashes of her rage, in their heat or their iciness, always devastated me. I would feel flayed, terrified and reduced to a cold, hard, walnut-sized knot suspended in the dark, freezing emptiness inside my skin.
For many of my earliest years I had a recurring nightmare of standing, terrified, on a huge white parchment-like surface that was curling and tearing under me while my mother’s icy rage-filled voice reverberated all around and within me.
As I grew into my teens and her anger, resentment and meanness toward me intensified, I began to feel a rage at her growing inside me. I couldn’t yell back. My cell deep and agonizing experiences of having anger directed at me made it impossible for me to ever consider doing that to anyone one else, including her. I would flee to my room, stuff my pillow over my mouth and, through clenched teeth, scream my hate and rage at her to "leave me alone!"
I made excuses for others’ mistreatment of me. I was "understanding" and "forgiving." I "rose above" the messy unpleasantness of conflict. I obeyed both my own strong personal commitment to myself and the overriding imperative of the larger culture: for "good, nice girls" anger is not a possible emotion. Not surprisingly, I suffered periods of bleak despair, depression and intense self-loathing. (When we cut off/are cut off from parts of our authentic selves, that loss of connection often manifests in our consciousness as despair, depression and self-loathing)
As I, in my mid-thirties, began to open to the pathways of conscious spirituality, the "nice girls don’t get angry" message of the larger culture was overlaid by the "enlightened beings don’t get angry" message of the new age philosophies. Beguiled by "the light" I evaded the darkness of angers. The darkness of suffering despair and depression was more comfortable, more familiar, more acceptable to me.
Despite this powerful three-layered suppression of anger, something would periodically seethe inside my belly bringing hateful thoughts and litanies into my head. I called this my craziness and struggled always to abort and nullify it. Instead of feeling my anger, I would leave the situations and people that were stirring those unacceptable feelings in me.
In my early forties, I met a woman who was wise in the ways of anger. Her ease and comfort with her own and others’ angry feelings caught my attention. She didn’t blow up at people when she was angry. She didn’t walk away from conflict. She seemed able to express her anger without meanness, without saying damaging things to the person with whom she was angry. I had never before experienced that as a possibility in the world. I was fascinated.
She didn’t believe that I "never" got angry about anything. That angered me! At first. Then, her disbelief felt like a great relief and release! Through her mentoring, I came to understand that anger is a normal part of our emotional repertoire. It’s neither good nor bad in and of itself. I came to consider the amazing possibility that anger could be felt and expressed without devastating me or the person with whom I might be angry.
The key to the opening of this possibility was understanding that anger is both an energy and a content. That these two components are separable. That we can work with the energetic portion by doing something physical to release it. That we can do this releasing in ways that are safe-by ourselves, not on other people!
We can scream, rant, rave, or curse (in our cars in the slow lane, if it’s not private enough elsewhere in our worlds). We can stomp, have a tantrum on our beds-kicking and pounding our fists and yelling. We can beat on cushions or mattresses with our fists or tennis rackets. We can beat on drums or gongs (this and screaming in my car worked best for me!). We can make safe places to break things we gather just for this purpose (plates from Goodwill/garage sales, glass we’re going to recycle). We can throw rocks at boulders or into water. We can tear or shred paper or fabric we set aside just for this.
If you consider exploring your angers with yourself or experimenting with how it feels to release some of that energy, notice whether it might feel better to "buddy" with a friend and be witness for each other. When actually "doing" some releasing action feels too scary, just playing with imagining the doing helps move us along. Remember to go slowly and to breathe!
When we’ve blown the energy out for the moment, or done as much of this as we feel ready to do just now, the content of our anger becomes more clear. We can begin to see just what triggered our anger. We can begin to explore what it is we need to do in the situations where our anger was stirred. Or, begin to explore what it is we need to communicate to the people with whom our anger was stirred.
Remember, when we women express the content of our anger, we often find that we cry or fill with tears. It is important to know and let others know that the tears do not take away from our anger.
Consider taking time to be with and release the energy of your anger in ways that feel safe.
P.S. So many of your delicious e-mails send appreciations for the affirmation, support and nourishment you receive from the site. When I answer them, I don’t always remember to let you know that having your own deck of the Rememberings and Celebrations cards is a way to bring this same loving voice into your everyday world, to have it at hand as you need to remind yourself of the "real" truth moment to moment in the crazimakingness of the so-called real world!
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The card on this page is part of a set of 64 handcolored bookmark-size cards called the Rememberings and Celebrations deck. They can be used as an oracle, a meditation focus or a "book-in-pieces" to kindle and grow a compassionate, gentle, unconditionally loving, fiercely protective inner-Mother to help you carve safe healing space for your emerging self and for the wounded little ones inside.
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