First Responsibility - Monthly Musing Archives

First Responsibility

I'm always moved by the safety instruction programs at the beginning of airline flights. The ones emphasizing that adults (always pictured as female) traveling with small children should adjust and secure their own oxygen mask before tending to the child's mask.

My feeling moved is not because of any peculiar sensibilities in me (although I do indeed have some of those). Rather, it's because these programs are the only place in all of "ordinary life" where women are encouraged, in any way, to place taking care of ourselves ahead of taking care of anyone else.

For so many years of my life I, like most well enculturated women, felt an enormous and endless responsibility for the emotional and physical well being of everyone around me. I'd need to feel that everyone else was "taken care of"-feeling comfortable, happy, entertained, engrossed in something enjoyable, etc.-before I could begin to think or feel my way into what I might need or want for myself. It was only rarely that I got to myself. Even more rarely that I got to myself with enough energy to actually explore me. Since I'd neither birthed nor raised children (beings toward whom some of this kind of responsibility might be appropriate), "everyone else" was most often a fully competent being of at least my own age.

Many times I'd remain in conscious oblivion about needs I know that I had. This, in order not to have them get in the way of my care-taking commitment. I lived in fear of being seen as "selfish." That is, as wanting to do or not do something, to be or not be some way that, while it might please my self, wouldn't also please whoever was around me.

My devotion to this impossible agenda left me quite depleted. Often frustrated. Quite resentful if my efforts seemed to no avail. And, more often than not, uncomfortable, unhappy, unengrossed in anything other than trying-with varying degrees of success-to take care of everyone else. Or, to not displease anyone else.

In my early thirties, I felt a welling up of despair. A profound fear that I might never really feel good about or at peace with myself despite all I was doing and being for and with the others that I cared about. Despite all the external trappings of my outward "successes." It was a critical time of turning inward. The beginning of a conscious journey to uncover, to discover my own self: What I might truly think, feel, need or want at any given moment.

In the more than thirty years since that turning, I've chosen more and more to risk exploring my self instead of trying endlessly to disappear my self into the selflessness that I was taught was praiseworthy in women. As I've journeyed inward to listen to and come to know my own self, I've gradually become quite adept at taking really good care of my self. I discover that I am extraordinarily capable of providing comfort, happiness, entertainment and engrossing enjoyment for my self. And, I find that what I can provide for my self is a much more deep and lasting nourishment than either what I could provide for someone else or what they could provide for me.

As I do better at this, I understand how much of it is something that we can each do best for ourselves. Much of comfort, happiness, feeling enlivened, entertained or engrossed enjoyably is basically an "inside job." Not something you can create in someone outside of yourself or that someone outside of you can create in you.

As we get better at knowing and taking good care of ourselves, there is an overflowing of our well-nourished energy that spreads out into the world. Our giving comes from fullness rather than from our need to feel okay about ourselves. This brings truly loving support to other beings as they take the same journey of becoming responsible for knowing and taking exquisitely good care of themselves.

Spend some time turning the light of your exquisite sensitivity toward your very own self. Then, practice taking the very best care of your very own self! It's the greatest gift that you can give to all beings on this planet.

And, do be exquisitely gentle with yourself.

P.S. So many of your delicious e-mails send appreciations for the affirmation, support and nourishment you receive from the site. When I answer them, I don’t always remember to let you know that having your own deck of the Rememberings and Celebrations cards is a way to bring this same loving voice into your everyday world, to have it at hand as you need to remind yourself of the "real" truth moment to moment in the crazimakingness of the so-called real world!

The card on this page is part of a set of 64 handcolored bookmark-size cards called the Rememberings and Celebrations deck. They can be used as an oracle, a meditation focus or a "book-in-pieces" to kindle and grow a compassionate, gentle, unconditionally loving, fiercely protective inner-Mother to help you carve safe healing space for your emerging self and for the wounded little ones inside.

If you'd like a deck of your very own to support you in your journey, click here to download Order Form.

Please feel free to e-mail me at rposin@hotmail.com. to share your reflections and responses to any or all of what you find here . I'd really like to hear what touches and nourishes you!

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