I’d felt completely stymied in my search, hard up against the end of the month when my about to be ex partner and I had to leave our shared rental. Suddenly a woman in one of my "Giving Up Deprivation" groups called to let me know of the cottage that had just become available.

That extraordinarily wonderful converted two-car garage became the nest in which I came to know and love and provide for the abandoned little one inside of me. Though I had nested before in my life, this was the first time I was consciously making a home in the world for that little one. As I reclaimed the neglected and forlorn outdoor spaces around the house, I simultaneously reclaimed the long neglected and forlorn places in me. I moved tons of rocks, boulders and construction debris as I moved through tons of emotional debris buried in my broken heart. I used the strewn rocks to build meandering walls, tilled and fertilized the cleared earth and planted gardens. All the while engaged in a parallel inner reclamation, rehabilitation process. The landscape and I grew and transformed together. The cottage and I together became a nourishing, lovingly embracing home for all the emerging me’s of me.

The first property owners had been essentially invisible–an address to which I sent my rent. The second owners were an exuberant couple my own age that, at first, came only on weekends. The husband delighted in construction projects, knocking down walls and vastly remodeling the main house while jovially adding a picture window and bathtub to improve on the basic perfection of my little cottage.

At some point they found a more suitable full-time home in Ojai and sold the property that I lived on to their daughter and her husband. Things began to change. At first they too were only a weekend presence, albeit a more intense, more invasive feeling presence than their parents had been. Then, they began to plan a major reconstruction. Their plan involved tearing down both the main house and the second small rental cottage on the property. During the construction they hoped to use what had been my cozy home as their roost on occasional weekends. Once the new expansive main house was finished, they’d move to Ojai full-time and my home would become the husband’s studio and the wife’s home office.

It was heart wrenching to even imagine giving up that miraculous womb space. The actual process of searching for a new space was gut wrenching. When I’d first moved to the cottage, I’d had only a meager few possessions, the bare bones of what I needed to be comfortable. All thrift store and garage sale stuff, nothing I couldn’t easily leave behind. Now, as I searched for a new space, I was no longer traveling so lightly!

Over the six years of making a beautiful, nourishing home for myself, everything had gradually been transformed. My various thrift store couches and chair had been reupholstered and slip covered in matching white canvas. I’d made and covered (and then repeatedly recovered) tons of huge and small floor and throw pillows in changing cycles of brilliant color to reflect the changes happening in me. I’d gathered a collection of second hand ethnic percussion instruments and tons of art supplies of every description. This as sounding and making art had become essential non-verbal healing pathways, first in my own healing journey and then in my work with clients in their journeys.

Along the way, I’d bought a hot tub that had provided me with so much safe, warm embracing as I’d been healing. I’d now need private outdoor space for that in any new place. And, too, in all but rainy weather, I’d come to sleeping on the ground in a tent year round. I’d need private outdoor space for that as well. It was overwhelming! This time I’d have to find a new place that not only felt "right" but one that could, as well, accommodate all this extensive "equipment for a healing life!" It seemed a daunting prospect. One made even more challenging by the intense grief I felt at having to leave the home space in which the new me had been born and nourished.

I cried a lot, ranted a lot, was profoundly sad, confused and distraught. I searched and searched and searched for months from mid-September through December and into early January and nothing I saw seemed suitable. In such a small town there weren’t many things available and of what was available, nothing felt workable. Demolition began in mid December. By January first, the electrical and gas lines on the property were capped off. That meant no operating refrigerator, lights or phone answering machine, no stove, no hot water or washer/dryer. Since I still had an old non-portable phone that I could plug directly into a jack and the phone lines were left intact, I did have phone service. That, I couldn’t have done without! It was pretty intense! Yet, there was still no where to go.

I saw clients by candle light, cooked on my two-burner propane camping stove, kept my perishable food in my big Coleman ice chest, washed with cold water, sponge bathed with small amounts of propane heated water as I had in the old days of living in my van. I was now "camping-in." I found a local motel owner who’d let me rent a room for $15 for an "after check out/before check in" hour so I could bring my own towels to shower and wash my hair a couple of times a week. I patched together some 500 feet of outdoor extension cords so that I could plug into electricity at the neighbors’ on the next property. Besides a phone, the other thing that I couldn’t live without was my phone answering machine! Having a three-socket outlet plugged in at my end provided me with the bonus of lamplight to read by at night and a clock radio for more gentle awakenings on the mornings that I needed to waken at a particular time.

Over and over again, I’d be sorely tempted to just take something, anything to be done with it all. To short-circuit the excruciating process of looking and looking and finding nothing that felt right. To be able to "get on with" life rather than being stalled out in this not here-not there place. It was an awful time. I hated it. Often, I felt like I couldn’t bear it for one more minute.

Still, deep inside was the knowing that I had to trust in the process. That I had to stay in the middle of what I was being taken through. That I had to not rush myself through it to some other place that wasn’t where I really needed to be. Someplace that would merely be an escape from this "here" that I hated being in the middle of.

In the middle of the worst of the pressure to rush to some other side, another woman in another of the "Giving Up Deprivation" groups told me she had a suddenly vacant duplex that might work for me. The inside and private yard spaces seemed more workable than had anything else I’d seen. But, it was smack in the middle of a neighborhood of tract homes. And, across a field out behind it was an elementary school. That meant loud buzzers that rang at odd times throughout the day and a playground that hosted multiple "recess periods" throughout the day. A big stretch after living in the quiet countryside of the East End. It felt like a "close but no cigar" place. But, it was hard to say a definite "no" at that desperate-feeling moment.

The woman who offered it to me had some work she wanted to do to fix the place up for whomever might be the next tenant. That meant she had room for me to stay in a "maybe if nothing more right turns up" place for at least another ten days. I made a deal with her and with myself: If nothing more suitable appeared by January 17th I would commit to taking her place, starting February first, on a month to month basis while I continued my search. "Camping in" might not be workable for as long a haul as it might be to get to where I really belonged next.

On the 12th of January a friend who did a lot of house-sitting called to tell me that a house I’d once visited her at was coming vacant on February first. I remembered the house, a sweet little cottage in the middle of a large orange grove. A converted carport, it was smaller by half than my converted two-car garage, one large room rather than two. I went by to peek in its windows and fell instantly in love! I could see my "necessaries" fitting inside and outside of it. Could envision letting go of some of what wouldn’t quite make it into the smaller space. I was jubilant! Somehow in the slightly complex process of locating and getting to connect with the property owners, I never for a moment doubted that they would rent to me. I knew with every fiber of my being that this was my new home, the one Spirit had in mind for me!

They were delighted with me as a prospective tenant and accepted me on the spot. (On a hunch, I’d brought before and after photos of my house and yards!) The move happened gently in slow stages. The money and a wonderful contractor I needed to do the electrical work and privacy fencing for my hot tub arrived at just the right moment. The things I needed to sell off sold easily. Every step of the way went smoothly and sweetly.

It felt good to get "smaller" again, to have less and therefore to have less to take care of. In the old house I had expanded and expanded and expanded to the point that I needed someone to help me keep up with the yard work and someone to help me keep up with the housework. It had become more of a life than I could handle on my own. It felt so comforting to downsize house and gardens to a level that I could manage all on my own again. I loved having more empty time and not having to have helpers around when I wanted most of all to be alone. There was more time to be still and to rest; less time required of me to "tend the temple."

The months of suffering through the looking and not finding had been time for me to grieve the loss of that home, to do the slow work of letting go and of feeling all the complex mix of distresses that were involved in that journey. For all that I’d felt so doubting that I’d ever find a place a wonderful as the first magical cottage, this new one felt even more wonderful. As though the first was the "rehearsal" and this one the "performance."

Being slowed down by circumstances and consciously choosing again and again not to go with the desperate impulses to abort the painful process by just "doing anything" both served me so well. Even as I hated it all and ranted and raged and wept my way through the whole journey. All of it transformed me, taught me so much about navigating through intense and difficult times. All of it deepened my ever-burgeoning trust in Spirit. All of it prepared me for what, as I write this 14 years later, is yet another cycle of having to leave a home to which I’m deeply attached. Another cycle of having to go through endless weeks of frustrated, disheartening searching. Another cycle of feeling so much despairing in the middle of deeply trusting that Spirit has a hand in it, of knowing that Spirit will surely bring what I need when the time is right.

Everything in our "it’s the bottom line that counts," "get over it" "don’t just sit there, DO something" culture constantly presses us to keep moving "forward." To keep moving away from challenging emotional processes like grief, despair and pain as quickly as possible. To take action or take a pill to get over it NOW! Nothing much around us supports us in risking the extraordinarily empowering potential of being with ourselves through all of whatever emotional process is unfolding within us until it naturally completes itself. The rushing away keeps us growing ever more fearful of such processes. Always afraid that, were we to "give in" to the feelings, we might never re-emerge from their depths. This is the opposite of what is actually so about emotions.

Even much of "New Age" cant would have us leap away from intense "negative thoughts or feelings" lest they foster energy that will lead to "negative" outcomes. A "don’t think/feel/say that or you’ll make it so" kind of distortion of what is the truth. Holding the faith AND feeling the upset all the way through is how we actually heal our wounds without doing "spiritual bypass surgery."

When we slow down and listen deep in the middle of our despair, upset, grief, frustration, irritation, rage we can dare to feel, release and heal whatever is moving within ourselves. The deep knowing place inside us will help to hold us safe through the storms. And, it will help us to find our way to the authentic "other side." Even when there is a long trajectory to reaching that "other side."

When we run, when we rush away from the hard places, we don’t get to know if the hardness is a challenge that, if met, will heal us. Or, if the hardness is a warning signal that we are moving in a direction that is ultimately not good for us. Only the going slow enough for the listening-in will let us know which is so at the time.

Consider slowing down and listening in to the deep-knowing place whenever you’re tempted to rush through something that feels too hard to feel,

P.S. So many of your delicious e-mails send appreciations for the affirmation, support and nourishment you receive from the site. When I answer them, I don’t always remember to let you know that having your own deck of the Rememberings and Celebrations cards is a way to bring this same loving voice into your everyday world, to have it at hand as you need to remind yourself of the "real" truth moment to moment in the crazimakingness of the so-called real world!

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The card on this page is part of a set of 64 handcolored bookmark-size cards called the Rememberings and Celebrations deck. They can be used as an oracle, a meditation focus or a "book-in-pieces" to kindle and grow a compassionate, gentle, unconditionally loving, fiercely protective inner-Mother to help you carve safe healing space for your emerging self and for the wounded little ones inside.

If you'd like a deck of your very own to support you in your journey, click here to download Order Form.

Please feel free to e-mail me at rposin@hotmail.com. to share your reflections and responses to any or all of what you find here . I'd really like to hear what touches and nourishes you!