I had to listen to that call from my deeps. I couldn’t bear living in the middle of the overwhelming contradiction that was my life. So much obvious external success, such achievement, such accolades. Yet, never a sense in myself of "okayness," of being enough, of being a worthy human being. The self-loathing was intense. The lacerating lash of the inner critic always attacking me with mercilessly devastating, undermining barbs. The endless sense of not being all right, ever. The ceaselessly doing more and more and more that never worked to help me feel good enough.

At the time, I didn’t see that this leaving was an act of courage. I didn’t even see it as a "choice" that I was making. It was just what I HAD to do, no matter what. It wasn’t hard to leave almost everything and everyone behind, it was just the relentless unfolding of the necessary next step.

For all the extraordinary and profound experiences I’ve been through in the now almost 32 years since that turning point, it remains one of the most powerful watershed moments in my life. That incredible, irrevocable decision set me on the road to a life that has been very different from the sort to which I, before then, had aspired. In my family, there was a particular refrain repeated whenever I took exception to being told that I wouldn’t be allowed to do or have something I wanted to do or have. "When you’re rich and famous you’ll be able to do/have whatever YOU want!" I really took that flip message to heart and seemed hell-bent to become "rich and famous" so I would not have to feel so unhappy and deprived for the rest of my life.

By 32 I knew I was probably as "rich and famous" as I might ever get to be. My income was above the 98th percentile for professional women at the time. And, it was already way more money than I could ever find the need to use. Even after I’d bought all the shoes and matching purses for the walk-in closet full of all my specially chosen clothes. (My reaction to endless years of being told by my mother that more than one pair of shoes or one purse or any clothing of particular quality was "not necessary." Even when there was money available for such and she had a considerable closet-full herself!) I’d also already had my small share of "fame" being interviewed for radio, TV, and modest newspaper and magazine stories about my work and life as a feminist/feminist therapist.

It had become painfully apparent that being "rich and famous" was not going to change anything that felt wrong about me or wrong about my life. My deepest self was pushing me to turn away from looking outward for what might help me to finally feel okay about myself. I really "got" that feeling at peace, feeling happy with who I was, feeling not-deprived was NOT EVER going to come from ANY of what I’d been doing till then. (It didn’t seem to matter that, at the time, I didn’t really know quite what the new path would look like.)

The journey that began with that understanding and leave-taking has continually deepened and grown and expanded and revealed me to myself. I’ve been utterly and completely committed to living from the inside out. My path in life became and continues to be uncovering, discovering, recovering, learning to appreciate, learning to accept, learning to love, learning to nurture and learning to celebrate ALL of the who that I am in every moment of my days. Just EXACTLY how I am in those moments. Even when how I am is less than I might hope someday to be! Even when those around me may be less generous with me than I am being with myself. Even when people find my commitment and life style "unforgivably self-indulgent!"

Nothing in the media, the cultural ambiance around us or the generally touted version of the "good life" seems to honor this way of being. The cultural/media promoted "good life" seems to involve acquiring more–and more costly–possessions, traveling to more and more exotic places, having more and more extreme adventures and amassing more and more enormous amounts of money.

The socially/environmentally/politically conscious "good life" calls us to values and awarenesses that are clearly much healthier for the planet and for all living beings. Yet, all too often this version of the "good life" with its urgent, insistent calls to action-for-the-greater-good tends to marginalize the value of having an equally sustained commitment to self-knowledge, self-acceptance and self-nurture.

It even seems to me (sometimes) that many of the major Spiritual paths that people follow these days don’t actually support claiming our birthright to truly loving, accepting, enjoying, knowing and taking exquisitely good care of our inmost selves. Rather these paths seem to send us toward peace by way of transcending our particular self rather than learning to love, know and nourish this self. But then, perhaps I just have a very jaundiced eye about the Spiritual version of the "good life!"

I feel deeply certain that knowing, embracing, loving and tenderly caring for ourselves is our most basic right and our most essential responsibility to ourselves, the planet and all beings on the planet. As we each come to know and love and care lovingly for ourselves, the energy we put forth into the planetary field is one of healing and wholeness. We do not seek to fill our emptiness or create a sense of our value by aggrandizing ourselves at the expense of others or at the expense of the planet itself.

When we take the risk of living from this deep inside place; when we take the risk of claiming our own healing as a critical and essential part of our journey in this life; when we resist the pressure to conform to more socially valued, more culturally acceptable paths, we are being incredibly courageous spirit-warrior goddesses (and spirit-warriors). Even when we feel there isn’t a "choice" involved in our taking this path.

It is so very, very important to honor, acknowledge and celebrate ourselves for this courage, for taking this path in a world that rarely acknowledges the value or worth of this process! In a world that often mocks and devalues this process!

Consider how courageous and brave you are to be engaged in this revolutionary process of growing, healing and nourishing yourself,

P.S. So many of your delicious e-mails send appreciations for the affirmation, support and nourishment you receive from the site. When I answer them, I don’t always remember to let you know that having your own deck of the Rememberings and Celebrations cards is a way to bring this same loving voice into your everyday world, to have it at hand as you need to remind yourself of the "real" truth moment to moment in the crazimakingness of the so-called real world!

© For the Little Ones Inside - All Rights Reserved

The card on this page is part of a set of 64 handcolored bookmark-size cards called the Rememberings and Celebrations deck. They can be used as an oracle, a meditation focus or a "book-in-pieces" to kindle and grow a compassionate, gentle, unconditionally loving, fiercely protective inner-Mother to help you carve safe healing space for your emerging self and for the wounded little ones inside.

If you'd like a deck of your very own to support you in your journey, click here to download Order Form.

Please feel free to e-mail me at rposin@hotmail.com. to share your reflections and responses to any or all of what you find here . I'd really like to hear what touches and nourishes you!